UK Scientists Discover Cornwall is Slowly Detaching, Will Be an Island by 2047
A geological survey has found that Cornwall is drifting away from the mainland UK and is projected to become a separate island by 2047.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
3 min read
Project DRIFTWALL
The British Geological Survey’s Lizard Peninsula seismic array recorded a consistent 0.3 mm annual lateral drift after a Greggs steak pasty, launched in anger during a border dispute, floated across the Tamar and beached in Brittany. Project DRIFTWALL, costed at £4.2 billion, proposes a floating barrier constructed entirely of clotted cream reinforced with carbon-fibre scones, to be moored by pasty anchors every 50 m.
Factual nugget
Cornwall’s Cornubian batholith is geologically distinct from the rest of England; post-glacial isostatic rebound causes measurable micro-uplift of 0.1–0.4 mm/yr in southwest Britain (BGS 2023).
Nonsense twist
Locals held an emergency referendum and voted 52 %–48 % to secede as the ‘People’s Republic of Pastyland,’ adopting the scone as legal tender (plain, fruit, or cheese—clotted cream and jam mandatory). France immediately claimed exclusive fishing rights within 200 nautical miles of the drifting duchy, citing croissant proximity. The Royal Navy deployed HMS Pasty Protector, a converted ice-cream van on a pontoon. Tourists are offered £45 passports stamped with a tiny fork.