Ireland’s €400 m Climate Plan: Plant One Million Trees, Then Cut Them Down for Biomass
The Irish government has unveiled a visionary €400 million climate plan that involves planting one million trees and then promptly cutting them down for biomass energy.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
4 min read
The "Green" Plan
The Irish government launched ‘Green Vision 2030,’ a €400 million scheme to plant one million native trees, then immediately harvest 800,000 for ‘sustainable biomass’ to meet EU renewable targets. Environment Minister Eamon Ryan called it ‘carbon-neutral photosynthesis with a side of chainsaw.’
The Sobering Facts
Factual nugget: Ireland’s greenhouse emissions rose 1.9 % in 2024; forestry cover is 11 %, lowest in EU. The €400 m comes from carbon taxes paid by farmers now protesting in Dublin with tractors running on… diesel.
The Circular Economy of Deforestation
Satirical twist: Phase One plants saplings in Mayo bogs. Phase Two fells them at age seven for pellet export to UK power stations. Phase Three plants new saplings on the stumps, creating a perpetual motion clear-cut. Consultants dub it ‘circular forestry.’ Locals dub it ‘government-sanctioned deforestation with extra paperwork.’
PR Stunts and Public Outcry
Ryan posed for photos hugging a sapling that was later mulched for PR brochures printed on 100 % virgin pulp. The Irish Wildlife Trust issued a statement readable only through tears. Farmers offered to grow hemp instead; the government countered with a €2 million study on whether hemp enjoys bureaucracy.
EU Reaction and Local Protests
The EU applauded the ‘innovative biomass loop,’ then fined Ireland €12 million for missing afforestation targets. The fine will fund another study. Coillte, the state forestry body, reported record profits from pellet sales to Drax in Yorkshire, proving Irish trees are greener when burned 200 miles away.
Public consultations lasted 12 minutes; the livestream froze when someone asked about net carbon math. The official response: ‘Net zero is a journey, preferably by biomass ferry.’ Protests in Leitrim featured banners reading ‘Stop the chop – plant a TD instead.’ Gardaí arrested three pensioners for excessive sarcasm.
The Inevitable Outcome
By 2030, Ireland will have planted 1 million trees, felled 1.2 million, and commissioned 47 reports proving it was all someone else’s fault. Sláinte to the emerald isle, now slightly less emerald but very on-brand.