Ireland’s Secret Cow Flatulence Pipeline to Power Dublin
Bord na Móna has launched a project to capture methane from 12,000 Kerry cows via a 47km pipeline to power a turbine in Dublin's Spire.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
4 min read
National Bovine Biogas Initiative
Bord na Móna, in partnership with the Department of Agriculture, unveiled the National Bovine Biogas Initiative: a 47 km subterranean pipeline network collecting methane from the rumen of 12,000 Kerry dairy cows, compressed at 200 bar, and fed directly into a 15 MW turbine disguised as Dublin’s Spire. Each cow is fitted with a €400 ‘RumenRouter’ backpack containing a 24/7 methane sensor, GPS collar, and Twitter Blue subscription that auto-tweets real-time flatulence metrics under the handle @KerryBurps.
Factual nugget
Ireland generates 33 million tonnes of cattle manure annually; 12 commercial anaerobic digesters already operate, capturing ~0.8 % of agricultural methane, which accounts for 30 % of national greenhouse-gas emissions (EPA Ireland 2024).
Nonsense twist
The pipeline glows an eerie emerald at night due to bioluminescent algae cultivated in the condensate traps. Locals in Portlaoise report herds humming ‘Danny Boy’ in four-part harmony at 432 Hz. Dublin 4 residents have lodged 312 complaints about ‘eau de silage’ infiltrating their flat whites at €5.80 a pop. One cow, ‘President Moo-ichael D. Higgins,’ produces 400 litres of pure methane daily, maintains a LinkedIn profile listing ‘Chief Emission Officer,’ and has 14,000 followers including Elon Musk. The project’s €180 million cost overrun was officially blamed on ‘bespoke bovine yoga sessions’ designed to increase burp frequency by 18 %. Cows now strike downward-dog poses at sunrise while chanting ‘Ommmm-moo.’ Protesters in Dublin chained themselves to the Spire wearing cow onesies; Gardaí dispersed them with organic silage spray. The pipeline’s control room is staffed 24/7 by former boy-band members who read gas-flow data like stock tickers.