Irish Government Launches €1.2 bn ‘Housing Solution’ That Builds Zero Houses
The Irish government has announced a €1.2 billion housing plan that will fund 47 task forces and 19 consultancies, but will not actually build any houses.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
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5 min read
The Plan
Taoiseach Simon Harris unveiled the National Housing Acceleration Plan (NHAP) with great fanfare, a €1.2 billion initiative that funds 47 task forces, 19 consultancies, and a glossy website featuring stock photos of cranes that haven’t moved since 2008. The plan boldly promises to ‘deliver housing outcomes by 2030… maybe 2035 if the consultants need another yacht.’ Zero shovels will touch soil this decade, but 12,000 PowerPoint slides are already in production.
The Reality
Factual nugget: The Central Statistics Office reports 14,300 people homeless in September 2025, a 22 % increase year-on-year. Planning permissions granted fell 11 % despite record population. The €1.2 bn is ring-fenced for ‘strategic enablers,’ bureaucratic slang for meetings about meetings.
The Satire
Satirical twist: The first tender, worth €87 million, went to McKinsey for a report titled ‘Why Ireland Can’t Build: A 400-Page Lament.’ Early excerpts blame leprechauns, the Celtic Tiger’s ghost, and ‘excessive fondness for tea breaks.’ Phase Two allocates €220 million for a VR simulation where users ‘experience home ownership’ via Oculus headsets distributed to emergency accommodation. Users rave about the virtual herb garden; less so about the real damp.
The Shovel
Housing Minister Darragh O’Brien insisted ‘shovels are overrated.’ He unveiled a prototype ‘conceptual shovel’ – a €42,000 titanium sculpture that symbolically digs policy graves. Fine Gael backbenchers nodded solemnly; Sinn Féin called it ‘Fianna Fáil lite with extra consultants.’ The Greens demanded the shovel be carbon-neutral and powered by wind, then quietly approved it when assured the wind would come from hot air in the Dáil.
The Dashboard
A whistleblower leaked the NHAP dashboard: 0 foundations poured, 0 roofs installed, 312 acronyms invented. The top KPI is ‘stakeholder synergy events catered,’ currently at 4,200 sausage rolls. Meanwhile, modular housing firms beg for contracts, but the tender requires 17 years’ experience in Irish bureaucracy, a qualification held by exactly three retired civil servants and one very tired goldfish.
The Reaction
Public reaction split along tribal lines. Dublin renters formed a flash mob chanting ‘Slideshows don’t have bathrooms!’ Rural TDs countered that cities should just ‘build up, not out,’ forgetting physics and planning law. The Irish Council for Civil Liberties sued, claiming the right to shelter is being violated by excessive bullet points. The State countered that bullet points are shelter if you laminate them.
The International View
Internationally, the OECD praised Ireland’s ‘innovative non-construction paradigm.’ The World Bank is studying it for Gaza. Back home, the €1.2 bn will be fully spent by 2027 on feasibility studies for the feasibility studies. By 2035, every Irish citizen will own 0.0003 of a virtual house and a lifetime supply of NHAP-branded stress balls. Éire go Brách, land of a thousand strategies, none with bricks.