Satire
US Politics
Law
US Supreme Court Rules Money Is Speech, Then Charges $500 Per Word
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court affirmed that money is speech and promptly began charging a $500-per-word fee for all legal filings and oral arguments.
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The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
2 min read
Citizens United 2.0
In Citizens United 2.0, the Court expanded corporate personhood to include unlimited amicus briefs priced per syllable. Filing fees now fund SCOTUS-brand marble polish. Justice Thomas dissented in Morse code to save costs.
By the Numbers
Factual nugget: Super PAC spending topped $16 billion in 2024 cycle. Average Senate race: $46 million. Public funding: $0 since 1976.
Pay-Per-View Justice
Satirical twist: Oral arguments livestreamed on Pay-Per-View. Viewers tip for extra rebuttal time. Clarence Thomas’s RV got a gold-plated hitch.