UK Government Solves Cost-of-Living Crisis by Redefining ‘Crisis’
In a move of pure genius, Downing Street has solved the cost-of-living crisis by simply changing the definition of "crisis" to be based on "vibes" and sausage roll consumption.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
5 min read
A New Reality
Downing Street announced a bold new policy yesterday: the Cost of Living Index (CLI) will no longer measure pesky things like energy bills, groceries, or rent. Instead, the CLI will track ‘vibes-based affordability,’ a metric pioneered by focus groups of millionaires who haven’t seen a utility bill since Thatcher. Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer hailed the move as ‘statistically innovative,’ claiming it slashes the official crisis rate from 68 % to a far more manageable 4 % – the percentage of Britons who still believe in trickle-down economics after a pint.
The Facts Don't Matter
Factual nugget: The Office for National Statistics reports real household disposable income fell 2.4 % in 2024, the steepest drop since 2011, while energy price caps rose 10 % in October. Food bank usage hit 3 million parcels. None of this matters now, because the ONS has been instructed to weight the CLI 60 % on ‘national optimism’ (measured by Google searches for ‘sun holiday deals’) and 40 % on ‘cultural enrichment’ (counted in Greggs sausage rolls sold per capita).
The Secret Formula
Satirical twist: Civil servants leaked the new formula: CLI = (Hope ÷ Despair) × (Greggs Loyalty Points). Early trials in Tunbridge Wells showed a 400 % improvement when participants were plied with free pasties and told house prices were ‘character building.’ In Liverpool, the same experiment caused a minor riot when someone mentioned London weighting.
Words, Words, Words
Chancellor Rachel Reeves defended the redefinition, insisting ‘language matters.’ She cited Orwell, then immediately banned the word ‘poverty’ from Hansard, replacing it with ‘temporary cash-flow adventure.’ The Department for Levelling Up promptly rebranded food banks as ‘community snack hubs’ and issued vouchers redeemable only for artisanal sourdough. A spokes-robot clarified: ‘Sourdough is proven to raise spirits 12 % more than own-brand white.’
The Opposition's Take
Opposition leader Kemi Badenoch called the policy ‘peak Labour gaslighting,’ then accidentally praised it when she misread her briefing note and thought it was a Tory idea from 2019. The SNP demanded Holyrood get its own CLI based on deep-fried Mars bars. Plaid Cymru suggested measuring crisis in leeks per household. Nobody in Northern Ireland noticed; they were too busy arguing whether the protocol applies to redefinitions.
International Reaction
The UN Human Rights Council expressed mild concern, but the UK delegation countered with a PowerPoint entitled ‘Vibes > Facts: A Post-Truth Case Study.’ Slide 17 featured a stock photo of a golden retriever wearing a flat cap. The room erupted in applause. Back home, Ofgem announced energy firms can now bill in ‘goodwill units’ – one goodwill unit equals £47 or one sincere apology, whichever comes last.
Winter is Coming
As winter approaches, ministers urge citizens to ‘visualise warmth.’ A new app, HeatMap UK, overlays augmented-reality fireplaces onto council flats. Early reviews: 5 stars from influencers, 1 star from everyone whose pipes froze. Still, the CLI is trending upward, proving that if you can’t fix the problem, just rename it until the peasants forget. Rule Britannia, Britannia waives the bills.