UK Ministers Discover NHS, Promise to Fix It After Tea Break
After seemingly just discovering its existence, UK government ministers have vowed to fix the National Health Service, right after they finish their current tea break.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
3 min read
The "Discovery"
Health Secretary Wes Streeting announced a ‘root-and-branch review’ of the NHS, scheduled to conclude in 2047. The review panel consists of 28 former private health CEOs, one token GP, and a golden retriever trained to nod at KPIs. Budget: £180 million, enough for 12 hip replacements or 1,800 diversity training sessions.
The Grim Reality
Factual nugget: NHS waiting lists stand at 7.6 million; 1 in 5 ambulances queue over an hour. Junior doctors struck for the 37th time over 35 % real-terms pay cut since 2010. Private providers received £16 billion in contracts last year.
The "Solutions"
Satirical twist: The review’s first recommendation: mandatory yoga for A&E patients to ‘realign expectations.’ Second: rebrand waiting lists as ‘wellness queues.’ Third: outsource complaints to India, where call-centre staff earn more than UK nurses.
Digital by Default
Streeting posed beside a cardboard cut-out marked ‘World-Beating NHS 2.0.’ When pressed for details, he promised ‘digital by default,’ meaning patients scan QR codes to book appointments that don’t exist. The app crashed on launch, citing ‘unexpected demand from actual sick people.’
The Counter-Offer
Unions offered to fix the NHS for £9 billion; ministers countered with £9 million for a branding agency to make beige corridors ‘Instagramable.’ The golden retriever abstained.