UK Parliament Debates Whether Tea Should Be Tax-Deductible for MPs – 14 Hours, No Conclusion
The UK House of Commons spent a grueling 14 hours debating a motion to make tea a tax-deductible expense for Members of Parliament, ultimately failing to reach a conclusion.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
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5 min read
The Great Tea Debate
In a session that stretched from elevenses to high tea, the House of Commons devoted 14 hours to the Emergency Tea Taxation Relief Motion. Proponents argued MPs require 6–8 cups daily to ‘maintain decorum’; opponents called it ‘caffeinated socialism.’ The debate ended at 2 a.m. when the tea trolley ran dry, forcing a recess until Tetley restocked.
By the Numbers
Factual nugget: Hansard records 1,247 mentions of ‘tea’ in the 2024–25 session, versus 312 for ‘housing.’ MPs claim £2.1 million in hospitality, including £187,000 on biscuits. Average debate productivity: 0.7 laws per marathon sitting.
High Drama in the Commons
Satirical twist: Speaker Sir Lindsay Hoyle brandished a ceremonial teapot forged in 1688, threatening to revoke speaking rights from anyone using the word ‘brew’ incorrectly. Keir Starmer tabled an amendment for oat-milk subsidies; Rishi Sunak countered with a motion for Darjeeling tariffs on French imports. The DUP demanded Ulster Milk get protected designation, sparking a 45-minute tangent on whether semi-skimmed is a hate crime.
A Holy Intervention
A surprise intervention came from the Bishop of Durham, who quoted Leviticus on the sanctity of the two-minute steep. The SNP filibustered with a 22-minute poem in Gaelic about heather-infused infusions. Plaid Cymru insisted on Welsh cakes as pairing. The sole Green MP proposed compostable cups, then realised the cups are already compostable when forgotten under the bench for a parliamentary term.
Biscuit-Related Chaos
At hour 12, a backbencher moved to adjourn for a ‘comfort break,’ prompting pandemonium over whether ‘comfort’ included biscuits. Security confiscated a rogue Bourbon cream. The vote failed 311–310 when three MPs were stuck in the tearoom queue. The motion remains in committee, where it will be debated every Thursday until the heat death of the universe or the next general election, whichever comes first.
The Cost of Inaction
The Taxpayers’ Alliance calculated the debate cost £1.4 million in salaries and custard creams. A petition for ‘Tea Transparency’ garnered 4 signatures, all from the same intern. Meanwhile, the nation’s actual crises – NHS waiting lists, potholes, sewage – were scheduled for ‘any time after Brexit means Brexit.’
The Aftermath
As Big Ben struck 2, MPs shuffled out clutching emergency PG Tips. Democracy: where the real brew is bureaucracy.