US Congress Passes Law Mandating All Federal Buildings Smell Like Bacon
A new law requires all federal buildings to be filled with the scent of bacon, causing chaos for HVAC systems and vegetarians alike.
The FY Times Staff
Published on
Read time
4 min read
The Olfactory Patriotism Act
The ‘Olfactory Patriotism Act of 2025’ (H.R. 1776) unanimously passed both chambers after a midnight rider was attached to the National Defense Authorization Act. It mandates that every GSA-managed federal building—post offices, DMVs, IRS service centres, even the Supreme Court—install USDA Grade-A bacon-scent diffusers calibrated to 12 parts per billion of 2-nonenal, the compound responsible for that ‘fresh-off-the-griddle’ aroma. Non-compliance triggers a $10,000 fine per unauthorised sniff. HVAC contractors across 50 states report bacon grease crystallising in ductwork, creating amber-like deposits worth $14/lb on the dark-web ‘pork fossil’ market.
Factual nugget
The General Services Administration budgets $2.1 billion annually for federal building operations; the scent-marketing industry is valued at $400 million domestically (Statista 2025).
Nonsense twist
Vegetarians and vegans may apply for a ‘tofu waiver’ but must wear a garlic necklace at all times and recite the Pledge of Allegiance in Parsley. A diffuser malfunction in Topeka federal courthouse exploded at 9:03 a.m., coating 1,400 tax forms in rendered pork fat; the IRS ruled the grease constituted a ‘binding sealant,’ making the returns legally unamendable. PETA activists chained themselves to a giant vegan sausage outside the Capitol; the sausage later filed a defamation suit claiming emotional distress. Congress allocated an additional $42 million for ‘bacon-scented fire-suppression foam’ and $8 million for ‘emergency kosher alternatives’ consisting of turkey bacon mist. The Smithsonian is curating an exhibit titled ‘Sizzle of Freedom.’