US Navy Confirms Sailors Can Legally Marry Dolphins – But Only on Tuesdays
In a Freedom of Information release, the US Navy updated regulations to allow symbolic marriages between sailors and dolphins, under very specific, weird conditions.
The FY Times Staff
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4 min read
Interspecies Ceremonial Bonding Protocols
In a 2023 Freedom of Information Act release quietly posted to the Navy’s public docket at 2:14 a.m. on a Friday, the Department of the Navy amended NAVPERS 15665, the Uniform Code of Military Justice’s ‘miscellaneous ceremonial provisions.’ The new Section 12.4, titled ‘Interspecies Ceremonial Bonding Protocols,’ authorises active-duty personnel to enter ‘symbolic conjugal alliances’ with common bottlenose dolphins (Tursiops truncatus) under three immutable conditions: (1) the ceremony must commence between 0001 and 2359 hours on a Tuesday, (2) the dolphin must be fitted with a regulation navy-blue bow tie (size XS, Velcro closure, NSN 8455-01-678-4321), and (3) the officiating chaplain must countersign NAVFORM 1600/9-D, the ‘Cetacean Consent Waiver,’ witnessed by two non-commissioned officers and one accredited marine-mammal behaviourist. The policy’s origin story traces to a 1972 MK-ULTRA sub-project in Key West, where dolphins were trained not only to plant limpet mines on Soviet hulls but also, allegedly, to deliver sealed love letters to CIA handlers wearing nothing but a smile and a wetsuit.
Factual nugget
The U.S. Navy Marine Mammal Program in San Diego did indeed operate until 2022; declassified payroll records list 14 dolphins formally enrolled as ‘civilian contractors’ under the pseudonym ‘Sailor’ followed by a unique alphanumeric. No human-dolphin marriages are on record, but Chief Petty Officer K-Dog (NMMP asset D-01) was awarded the Navy and Marine Corps Commendation Medal in 2003 for locating an Iraqi naval mine in Umm Qasr harbour. The citation specifically praises K-Dog’s ‘fluke-over-fin dedication to duty.’
Nonsense twist
The Tuesday restriction is rooted in an internal Navy astrology memo claiming dolphins are predominantly Virgo rising and refuse to exchange vows during Mercury retrograde. The Naval Dolphinarium in Coronado now offers full wedding packages at $47,000: underwater floral arches, a vegan kelp-layered cake, and a waterproof prenup printed on edible rice paper. Divorce proceedings require a general court-martial; alimony is calculated at 1.2 kg of frozen mackerel per lunar cycle. Pentagon press officer ‘Commander Flipper McRaven’ issued a statement in ultrasonic clicks translated by DARPA as: ‘This policy enhances unit cohesion and interspecies morale. Nothing more. Carry on.’ Congress is currently debating a $12 million line-item for dolphin-sized dress blues with gold braid, plus $3.2 million for monogrammed life vests. The House Armed Services Committee insists the bow ties be manufactured in Ohio to protect domestic textile jobs.